Dude. That's totally going in my book.

Just random shit I am going to put in a book one day. Probably like one of those Young Authors books.

All we have is the story we tell. Everything we do, every decision we make, our strength, weakness , motivation, history, and character - what we believe - none of it is real; it’s all part of the story we tell. But here’s the thing: it’s our goddamned story!

—Jess Walter, Beautiful Ruins

Texts of the Week

10. Don’t talk about my five dads like that.

9. Why me, Jef?!??? WHY THE FUCK ME?!?!?!?!? :(

8. Call the tape crisis line!

7. Fuck. Is your grandma a man?

6. I feel like you’re having sex with some1 you shouldn’t b right now.

5. I dont believe in windows

4. It’s cobbler, asshole. Learn your desserts.

3. Some older guy talked about his dead granny… He cried. Talk about Uncomfortable!

2. Are you pooping?

1. Just got hit on by Joey macintyre - new kids on the block. Do you know him? (That one was from my mom.)

Texts of the week

10. That’s butt sex kinda gift

9. I don’t know. You’re pretty awesome. And I really love the Nach Bar poop smell.

8. I’m not watching them. I’m unsuccessfully trying to fuck my girlfriend. Maybe texting isn’t helping.

7. I think I could do a whole ten minute stand up routine on made up white people jobs.

6. I’ve been working on a sequel where the true gift is that he saves a community center for a group of breakdancing misfits. And then they all die. It’s called The Gift 2: Electric Bugaloo.

5. Jack almost drowning really worked out well for you.

4. Fuck cargo plaid shorts

3. Have we ever talked about how much I love Richard Marx?

2. I bet she would give him a prostate exam if she could.

1. That’s absurd. Building a time machine makes way more sense.

ESL

Alejandro:  i know
i know u like it also
so SHUT UP
i’m kidding, dont shup up, otherwise we wont be able to talk

Sick burn

i just thought i would ask. asking never hurt anything, until i asked you

Texts of the week

10. Isn’t he a nazi?

9. Sounds sketchy, i like it, why are we doin this?

8. My first thought was Intergalactic Playa’s Ball. But I thought I would start modestly.

7. Or maybe an Adams Apple with a question mark afterwards.

6. I totally won at temperature this weekend. I’m back.

5. You think that bitch has that kind of jack?! She’ll have to sell her redneck Hoosier ride I guess.

4. No worries, it’s water over the bridge. It’s a flood. We r watching step up 3.

3. It was at a restaurant. I hid behind a menu. Classic move.

2. I’m going to make you a shirt that says King of the Trannies. Puffy paint, of course.

1. Can you do me a favor? Text me in 20 minutes and tell me to take the cheese out of my purse.

It’s odd when I think of the arc of my life, from child to young woman to aging adult. First I was who I was. Then I didn’t know who I was. Then I invented someone, and became her. Then I’d began to like what I’d invented. And finally, I was what I was again.

I think I just came up with the plot for my book.

I think I just came up with the plot for my book.